Ignore the Girl Behind the Blog

Sometimes, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Like last night for instance. I came to my senses earlier this afternoon, and realized what the fuck I was thinking about doing.

I'm fucking nuts. Somewhere, something in my brain broke and it causes me to act like a crazy person. At least I'm back on the Prozac, have been since Monday, and I'm starting to feel a little more sane. Although, I'm not ready to hop on a train and show up at his front door screaming "Here I am!" much as I'd like to. No, I know me. I'd get about a mile away from the train station here in town and have a panic attack because I realize there's no turning back. I do not travel alone because of the anxiety issue. If somebody I know is with me, it's easier to keep my crazy little brain in check. Maybe that's why I hate being alone. Hmmm, something to think about.

There's really not much going on. I think that's a problem. I need stimulation. I have ADHD, fer fucksake, I get bored easily. I've been contemplating this very issue, and maybe finding me a job. That and the dwindling cash supply. But it has to be a job that I won't get bored with in a couple of days. I've thought about getting a job at a place here in town that helps people with disabilities. I think that'd be a great job for me. I like being needed by somebody, but not to the extent that I'd run out and get knocked up. Oh, god no.

Heh, that reminds me of a conversation my mother and I had about a conversation the BF and I had recently. I had asked him what he'd do if I wound up pregnant. I shared this with my mother, and how I felt that it would be best for the baby if I put it up for adoption. She flipped out, and said that I had family that could help me take care of it, there was no reason I should have to put it up for adoption, and that she "didn't want to spend the rest of her life wondering where her grandchild was." I find that a little selfish. I know that I am not the kind of person who could ever give a child the kind of life it deserved. And I believe children should have the best possible life. After all, it wasn't their choice to be brought into this world. But I shouldn't have to worry about that. I have an appointment in a week or so to go on the shot.

Man, I gotta tell you, I don't know if it's anxiety or if it's the ADHD kicking up, but I have had the damndest time trying to calm down. The antianxiety pills I got aren't working. Normally they'd knock me out and I'd sleep heavily and be fine when I woke up. No such luck tonight. It's 4:30, and I'm bouncing up and down on my bed like a little kid on a sugar high. Yup, another night without sleep. But then again, I passed the fuck out at 7 AM yesterday, and slept until 7 PM because I've been feeling so depressed. You know what? I think I'm going to get dressed, and go run around the block for awhile. And it's days like this that I wish I was still on Ritalin. :D